Hurt 2

“You are selfish to take your own life” my friend Christine would always tell me when I feel suicidal. The rape was not an easy thing to deal with. Thoughts ran through my mind of suicide and the afterlife. “is there a god?, what would happen after my death?, who would care?” those thoughts would run endlessly. I felt so much pain from that. Something I never felt.
A few days after the rape, I was able to bring myself together to go to school. I could not get sleep for a few days so the bangs under my eyes were nothing but black. I only changed my shirt just because I didn’t want to see the rest of my violated body. I was disgusted with myself. I walked downstairs and put on my coat and walked into the kitchen. I was going to open the fridge when something caught my eye. My mothers pack of cigarettes. All I could think about was everyone smoking something to relive stress. I didn’t care what the hell I did then. I was beginning to give up on myself. I grabbed the pack ad sloped into my coat pocket and left.
As my father dropped me off I shivered a little when walking on the pavement. Just the thought of “him” being here really made me freeze. I had to take a deep breath before continuing and walking in.
The school was warm as they had the air conditioning on. It made me feel a bit comfortable, but nothing that would make me walk around with a smile. I walked through the hallways at a quick pace to avoid talking to people. I kept my head down and just headed to my locker. As soon as I got there I opened the locker as quick as I could to hide the cigarettes. I was still considering If I was going to use them yet. For the time being I hid them in my locker and I closed my locker and went to my first class. As I was walking I could swear my heart stopped. There was Chris talking to two of his friends. My legs started to slow down but I kept at a steady place “don’t look him in the eyes” I kept thinking to myself repeatedly. I looked down but then I took another look at him. I could feel my blood boil, my heart race, my fists tightening. “Hey Peter” that’s all I heard from him but I froze. “hi? What the fuck do I do?” my mind raced once more. Do I talk to him about it? Do I just ignore the whole thing happened. I gave a slight wave then quickened my pace and walked away.
For most of my classes I kept my head down and try not to think at all. During my math class the teacher approached me. “Peter? Is everything ok?” Mr’deJong was a very nice man. He helped me through a lot of problems, but not this one. I responded “nothing’s wrong... I just want to be left alone right now” he nodded and walked away. After that I needed to look at my schedule so I weakly pulled it out of my bag and checked. Then once again, I could feel my rage build up. Gym was next, Chris will be there. I spaced out, everything was frozen as I sat there. It took me awhile to snap back into reality but after that the bell rang.
My body dragged. My heart was practically going to jump out of my body and tell me not to go, but I couldn’t stop. I decided to stop and gain control of my thoughts for a minute. “if I’m the last kid I might miss him” I thought. I waited for about a minute or two before starting to talk again. I entered the locker room to only see a few people but not Chris. I gave a sigh of relief and opened my locker. Shortly after, he walked in. I almost jumped but held the fear inside. “Hey” he whispered. I tried to ignore him. He stood there looking the other way. I didn’t even question it. I wasn’t going to change in front of him, the fear would kill me. I just stood there and then he put his hand on my shoulder. “We’re the last two people here”. I let out a long held in breath as that comment struck me hard. “no” I thought. “Not again”. My rage was about to burst out of me. I slowly turned around to him as he was just staring at me. I closed my eyes for a second, then opened them and let out a cry of rage as my fist slammed into his skull and he fell to the floor. After that I ran as fast as I could. “I need to tell somebody” the only person I could think of was the counselor. I ran ignoring any teacher that said slow down or some stupid shit like that. I ran in burst the door and looked at him “I really need to talk to you right now” was all I could get out with my last burst of air and then I put my hands to my knees and tried to gasp my breath.
After I told him, he immediately called the police and my parents. It was hours before I could just go home. Repeating questions being asked with repeated answers. Even when I got home the police called and continued to ask questions. The depression was starting to kick in again. The night finally ended and I got some sleep.
It was three months later and I was still depressed about the whole ordeal, and there was only one person I could connect too. My cousin Meagan. We had a bond, we were both very depressed and tried to hold on to what we have and kept a promise, to never cause any self harm. That promise really came to an end one night